Derek's View from the Blindside:

Hello again:

As I promised in the last edition of Forthwrite, I have 3 humorous stories to tell you, plus something that's fairly topical that has happened fairly recently.

A joke:

First of all, here is a joke that has done the rounds, I'm sure and 50 % of you will have already heard it but I think it's quite funny. This blind man was in a shopping precinct with his guide dog, the dog lifted up one of his legs and weed all over one of the man's legs, the blind man put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a biscuit and gave it to the dog, just at this point, a lady that had been watching what had happened came over and said to the blind man, "I'm very impressed with what I've just seen, and how you responded, I saw what your dog did" the blind man said, "The reason that, I gave him a biscuit was so I could find out where his head was so I could fire him up the behind for what he had done" Versions that you have heard have probably contained stronger language.

True story:

I heard this next story which is absolutely true on the radio 4 programme called, "The news quiz" apparently this large airplane was diverted as an emergency to Sacramento airport and it stopped there, and it was announced that if people wanted to get out and stretch their legs they could do so because they would be at Sacramento for about an hour. Everyone got out, including the air crew except one of the pilots, he came out of the cockpit, put on his jacket and shades he then looked in the passenger section and saw a blind man with his guide dog. He came and spoke to him and said "Kevin, do you realize everyone has left the plane to stretch their legs, do you not want to do so yourself?" Kevin said "No, but my guide dog would like a walk," so the captain said, "That's all right, I'll take him myself" can you imagine the picture? He's walking off the plane in his pilot's uniform and his shades, down the gangway and on to the tarmac and he's being lead by this guide dog. You can imagine all hell was let loose because people saw this picture and adding two and two together made five, there were people asking for their money back and people that wanted diverting and to change planes to go on to another airline. Anyone who had had the presence of mind to take a photograph at that particular time would have been in the money I would imagine. This was reported in the local press but that was an actual happening.

Another story:

This next story actually happened to me some time after I had lost my sight and I had to rattle a cage or two to get some mobility training, the result of which was that social services in Grimsby had nobody they could send out to me so they subcontracted the job to Guide Dogs for the Blind Association, who sent a lady down from Middlesborough, twice a week she gave me mobility training.

Go out on my own:

When she thought I was confident or competent on a bus by myself, she said, would I go a couple of times during the week to find my way to the bus stop and get on the bus and get home. So this particular evening it was about Novemberish in the year, so it was fairly dark at half past 4 quarter to 5 I left my work which was in Grimsby road and walked across a side street down Grimsby road a little bit, pressed the button at the crossing, crossed at the Zebra, and then the idea was to, with my cane, turn right and go down to the bus stop. This sounds quite simple, I did this and I got across the road. What I must have done is gone about a yard and a half too far. I'd been told that a new shop had been opened, a fetish shop, of which you get plenty in the west end of London but in down town Grimsby road Cleethorpes, it's a bit unusual.

A yard too far:

Unbeknown to me, I'd gone that yard and a half too far and found myself in this opening to the door of the fetish shop. I was just thinking I must go back when I felt a hand on my right arm and a lady said, "I don't think you want to be in there love." I said to my wife, "If I'd known where I was, I'd have said, Yes I do, get off, I know exactly where I'm going". Anyway, she said "Where do you want to be" I said "I want to be at the bus stop" she said, "Well let me take you" she took my arm and I resisted the temptation to say that I wanted to do it myself as she was good enough to help. Based on the last issue of the Journal, when I said about people's views and thoughts about blind people, this is how the conversation went.

The Blind shop?:

"You'll know next time, look to the left" and then she said you see my place which is the blind shop, so I laughed and I said, "That's very apt" "oh," she said "I'm ever so sorry " I said "No not at all it's very good, what is it? roller blinds or Venetian blinds," she said "Yes when you see that, you carry on, and then the next shop you see on the left hand side is a ladies gown shop, and then there's one more shop before you come to Dixons, Albert Dixons the cycle shop, and then as soon as you get up to the Chinese takeaway, you know you've got to look at the other side, that's where the bus stand is." I said, "Right, thank you very much," and so I went to the bus stop and that was that. My brother said when I related the story to him "The only way that you would know that you're outside the Chinese take away, hopefully if the door's open and they're cooking you'd smell it." It just gives you an indication that although people can be helpful, they've no idea what being blind is all about.

Jim Davidson show:

The last quick little story is concerning Jim Davidson. My wife and I went to the Auditorium in Grimsby to see him and he was his usual blunt and basic self, and he has a problem with disabled people. At this particular show, he was talking about the fact that he'd noticed he'd got a blind man in the front row so he said to him "You're blind, what are you doing in the front row?" The man said, "Well, I'm deaf as well" That, for a change. shut Jim up Anyway, I hope you enjoyed a little bit of humour, and I look forward to talking to you again in the next issue of Forthwrite. So all the best,

Derek Snell.

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